I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
