Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
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i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
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Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
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