I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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