I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
