Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize