Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
