Moan for me like Helen Keller
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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