I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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