I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
smell my finger.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
