I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Randomize
