Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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