Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
