Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
