I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
