I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
