oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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