Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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