Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
