You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
