i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
