He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
