Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
