My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Randomize
