so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I need a beard to bite.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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