Screwed.edu
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
