i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
