All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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