A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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