Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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