the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
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He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
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The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO