Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.