It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
not ubering you a puppy
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
