DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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