i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
