Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
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I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
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I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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