Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
