do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
