I showed him my bush... on skype.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
