Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
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