Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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