This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
