im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
