For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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