Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
