At least make sure they are 18
Why
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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