i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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