just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
