You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
