You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
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Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
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There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
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