you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
