Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
