my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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