bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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