dude i'm inner monologue high
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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