They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
