gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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