my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
