Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
