My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
