the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
her facebook's as public as her vagina
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
